ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
