Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
