I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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