I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
