Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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