im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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