and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
