I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
tell me about the eggs
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