I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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