Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
