wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
