I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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