i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
