I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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