i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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