i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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