I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize