That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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