My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
