Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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