Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
