I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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