My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
