went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
