This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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