Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
