you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
