so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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