you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
