Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
