Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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