Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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