I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
