You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
