My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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