Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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