i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
