i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
