its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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