i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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