I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the day after is always just damage control
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
