conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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