I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
