9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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