"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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