I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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