So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
