Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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