Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
