happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
