he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
the raccoons are back...
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