grandma shit on top of the toilet
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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