i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
