dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
