dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
they're like a gay fantastic four
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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