so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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