Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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