my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
