i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize