There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
